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Bitter Tears for Big Sad Queers

by sleepwalk

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The water I moved through was shallow and dark And the air stung with thick insect bites And the sharp rocks beneath caught each kick of my feet As the smog made a veil for my eyes The folks that I used to know waded with laughter As cold hands below held them there And I thrashed just to break from the edge of that lake And find clean water running somewhere I want out of the idea true romance is pure All these ailments made up just to sell me a cure I want out of the sad routine killing my family Out of the standards held always outside of me Out because everyone's love is unique And a little bit dies when it's sold on the cheap Well you tell me that you're glad I'm your friend Can I tell you why my heart's on the mend? You were nice to me when you didn't need to be My bones were all shattered, fell glad from a ladder To hands that could help me rebuild Through a thin haze of memory, a dead weight inside of me A bedroom where my guts were spilled Through an open book surgery, a job set to murder me A match burning weak through the hail I felt six bolts of lightning, six swords held to fight for me And six years that sank like a brick fucking ship for me We are still the concerned children Of a single concerned mother We are not your sisters We are not your brothers Weeds growing towards a new light Dirt to hold the roots of new life We are not your brothers We are not your sisters But when we've finished running away We'll be comparing blisters.
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I wrote this song so I could say goodbye To the static at the end of the line To the way you had your father's eyes To the pain they carried all the time To the fuckers at your fucking work To the 'generos' in the trendy shirts To every 'moron driving like a jerk' To the way you can't express your hurt To the money that I couldn't spend To the break I was 'too dumb' to mend To the rules I never dared to bend To the wishing for it all to end To the question 'what is wrong with me?' To the eggshells underneath my feet To the insistence I don't go outside And discover I like being free I wrote this song so I could say goodbye To the hands held out before my eyes To the day you took the pain inside And made me wear it on the outside You made me wear it on the outside
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My pronouns are just grammar And my body's just a vessel And these days are just a set of zeros and ones I have to wrestle with If the act of observation Changes the thing being observed Then every eye that sees a different me Will leave my outlines blurred I am an empty set I am an unsure bet Don't drown me in a pool of lies Then ask me to apologise When your shoes get wet Death permeates the living And life shapes the way we see the dead So absolute perfection Is not so unfair to request I dare you to try and hate me As much as I now hate myself But if you want to be a radical Try to love yourself instead And I'll do the same When the night is cold and starless We can hold out for the dawn Not every shot could have been called for me The day that I was born Some day I'll get out from this city And I'll get out from myself And when the ghosts have left the attic I'll look hard at what is left And I'll plant it in the new soil And I'll feed it to the bird And I will scatter from that craggy peak And run like water on the earth
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released October 11, 2015

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sleepwalk Newcastle Upon Tyne, UK

Sleepwalk is Jack Fallows and whoever else they can convince to sing, play, record or perform with them.

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